Friday, September 10, 2010
Setting
Today I felt like giving back. I was in a a giving mood, so I desided to visit a homeless shelter. What was i to expect? The building was small and trashy, it looked like the ghetos had become alive. Bedsheets were used as shades and trashbags for blankets. It looked like a shanty town and the inhabitants were dustballs, slugging thier way from place to place. When i entered the building though, the place was vibrant and almost joyous. Music of all cultures were heard throughout, and the children danced to it as it were thier saviour. I guess looks can be decieving because, for a place that looked like a mess from the outside looked like safehaven from the inside. These people didn't care where they lived. The ywere just happy to have a place to stay. They have already gone through so much, this place must seem like a mansion to them. Whoever thought that people could enjoy such a place and have the spirits that they posess.
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I liked how you described the use of sheets as shades and bags as blankets, because it captures the often accurate steroetype of what homeless life is like. The metaphor of the homeless as being dustballs was perfect, because no only are they probably messy and dirty, but they also often are transient. You should proofread before posting, because there are a few spelling errors. Also, if you want the last sentence to be a rhetorical question you should have a "?" :)
ReplyDeletevery vivid descriptions. i could picture the scenario very well. Proof read before posting, a few spelling mistakes need to be made.
ReplyDeleteI like how you change the mood. You make it seem as if the mood is depressing and then make it happy. Also your word choice helped making your moods "joyous...vibrant" etc.
ReplyDeleteLike the above posters have said there are some spelling errors. Also you could have elaborated on a few things like the music and maybe throw in more details about it and how it added to the joyous mood.
your desciptions were very vivid and i liked the simplictiy of the first two sentences, which definitely hooked me into the excerpt
ReplyDeletelike everybody else said, there are some grammatical errors in there but other than that this was very good
Ah, but what of the spelling mistakes? What effect do they have on the audience? The first impression the spelling errors make is the odor of laziness from a student who can clearly write.
ReplyDeleteYou've got some stuff that sparkles here, but you need to focus on the simple mechanics of writing. Take a few minutes to polish your writing before you post, and I'll bet we see a major improvement immediately.